


Wasting Away-bits at a time

by bumsandbruises



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Eating Disorders, Endgame Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Endgame Niall Horan/Liam Payne, Endgame Niall Horan/Zayn Malik, Endgame Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Eventual Smut, Implied Niall Horan/Liam Payne, Insecure Louis, London, Louis Has An Eating Disorder, Louis-centric, M/M, Multi, Past Zayn Malik/Harry Styles, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Louis, Zayn Malik & Harry Styles Friendship, triggering!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-04-19 20:00:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4759145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumsandbruises/pseuds/bumsandbruises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apparently, to him, the feeling of perfection was akin to something along the lines of hunger. He was only happy when he could start to feel his stomach caving in. The first time he could feel his ribs, he started to cry. It was just the slight indentions, he was still at a healthy weight, but he could finally feel progress. <br/>Of course, the feeling of progress was fatigue, constant hunger, inability to focus, even his nails were starting to break off easier than they ever had. <br/>or the one where:<br/>Louis is a sassy yet insecure mess, who develops an eating disorder.<br/>Harry is this really hot waiter, who is also a total goofball.<br/>Zayn is a piece of a yummy sex cake, who uses "like" more than anyone else I've ever heard, but it works.<br/>Liam is really sweet and brotherly yet still so abashed and oblivious to anything sensual.<br/>Niall is still the same carefree idiot. He doesn't give a fuck about any of these bitches. Except Liam. And maybe Zayn sometimes, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

100.3  
Funny. I was still disappointed. I wasn't under one hundred. I still felt the desperation to go purge, even though I hadn't eaten anything, or chase down a pack of laxatives with black coffee. I still felt fat.  
In the mirror, I couldn't see the skin and bones I had become. I couldn't see how there was only a thin layer of skin covering the deep indentations of my ribs. I couldn't see how my hip bones jutted out of my body sickeningly. I couldn't see how my legs had become reed-like sticks, losing their once glorious curve. I couldn't see how the once tan, golden pallor of my skin had turned translucent, leaving my insides, my veins, my blood, visible. I couldn't see how the half-moon shadows from underneath my eyes had turned into purplish bruises.  
What I saw was fat rolls. Instead of a concave stomach, I saw stretch marks. Thunder thighs instead of tooth picks. Double, and even triple, chins instead of prominent angles.  
The one thing that was the same: my eyes. Cerulean blue, dead eyes. There was no soul in those eyes, that had been damned to a life of Hell and misery a long time ago. They were lifeless, empty of anything and everything but self-deprecation and hatred. They had been that way for a long time.  
-  
"Hey, Louis! What's up?" Stan, one of Louis' friends, asked.  
"Nothing much, mate, just wanting to catch up."  
"Aah, I see. Well, lad, I'm playing footy at the mo, but meet ya at Jane's in an hour?"  
"Sure!" Louis chirped and hung up. An hour meant he had time to shower, fix his hair, and make a quick cup of tea.  
After his hot-but-not-too-hot shower, he pulled on an over-sized jumper and a pair of skinny jeans. He fixed his hair up into its quiff and pulled on his Vans, then making a quick cup of Yorkshire tea. He had too much tea, thanks to all his mates either getting him tea or shoes for his birthday.  
Louis didn't really have a lot of stuff. He had a laptop for all of his Uni-related stuff, but the rest of his things were clothes. He had a lot of beanies and jumpers strewn across his bed and the floor of his room. Louis didn't need much else beside his tea and his car.  
Louis grabbed his travel mug, placed a tea bag in it, and closed the lid before grabbing his keys from the counter and heading out the door.

"Woah, mate, easy there," It was Louis' third beer of the hour, which wasn't that much compared to how much he usually drank.  
"What? I can hold my liquor." He told Stan and brushed off his hand from Louis' shoulder.  
"Oh, I know ya can!" Stan chuckled. "I'm just saying ya prolly shouldn't be drinking as heavily as you have been lately."  
Louis' eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?"  
Stan waved his hand. "Well, it's no secret that you've kinda been packing on the pounds lately. I totally get it, you're not one to exercise much, except for the occasional footie, but you could go easier on your diet, ya know? Incorporate some greens and summat?"  
Louis knew he had gained weight, but he didn't think it was that noticeable.What with classes being so stressful and time-consuming, he only had time to eat quick, fat and carbohydrate-filled things like fast food. Louis really hadn't noticed that he had a bit more pudge than he used to. It's not like he weighed himself regularly for sports like a couple of his friends. Hell, he didn't even own a scale.  
-  
"Hey, Li!" Louis jogged to catch up with his brother.  
"'Sup, Lou?" He turned towards him.  
"'Course, anything for you, love." Liam led him to one of the sidewalk benches. See, Liam and Louis weren't actually brothers. They banded together in high school and at one point Louis had even lived with Liam and his family before he was able to move out on his own.  
"So what's bothering you, and why couldn't you have waited until family dinner tomorrow night with Niall?" He was immediately down to business.  
"It's kinda personal." Liam's face softened. "I don't think Ni 'd understand."  
"What's wrong, Lou?" Louis was generally very rambunctious-playful and happy.  
"Am I fat?" When Liam was about to speak, he added, "Be honest, I need to know."  
Liam sighed. "I have to admit, Lou, you're not the skinniest kid, but it's not like you're three hundred pounds either. You've just been putting on some weight 'cos you don't exercise enough. I used to have the same problem, but then I got more into boxing and look at me now. Best shape I've ever been."  
Louis had to admit, Liam had a very nice body. It was all hard muscle and warm tone. But Louis was into guys with a more lean physique. Plus, Liam was too much like a brother for Louis to ever go for him.  
In comparison to Liam, Louis was like a beluga whale. Louis didn't have a hard, flat plane of a stomach. He didn't have a slim waist. He didn't have strong, lined biceps.

Louis finally had to admit it, when he got home and was wearing only boxers in front of his mirror, Louis was fat.


	2. Chapter 1

The thing about Louis' schedule is that he goes from having an abundance of free time to being so crammed for everything. He worked at a music store, one that sold CD's and records not instruments except for the occasional guitar or piano, four times a week for twelve hours per shift, and it paid well. Then, he had six classes for two hours each per week. He sometimes participated in study groups and hung out with friends, but it wasn't often. He did always have weekly "family" dinners with Liam and Niall though.  
The back and forth within his schedule threw off his eating habits. He would eat things, unhealthy, fattening foods, when he was bored. It wasn't good for someone who was entirely all too fat.  
He didn't know what to do. He couldn't just stop eating. He'd either forget about it or get too hungry. Plus, he felt lonely in his fat, and he guessed that the food comforted him. Liam shared a flat with Niall since they both couldn't afford a place on their own. Personally, Louis like to the there was a little more happening behind closed doors than what he was seeing publicly. At least, he hoped so. They both deserved their own happiness.   
It was actually Niall who figured out a solution to his problem. They were at dinner, a cute little diner that was a little old fashioned.  
At first, Louis didn't even realize that Niall was saying anything. He was too busy making googly eyes at the waiter who was cleaning up dishes at a table a few feet away. He was absolutely gorgeous, too. Maybe a bit younger than him, but defo not younger than eighteen. Louis had just gotten a glimpse of the lad's arse as he bent over across the table, and damn, did he want to wreck that pretty little thing, when Liam shoved him.  
"Eh, what?" Damn, Louis needed to get laid before he raped the poor waiter.  
"Niall just gave you an amazing idea for a solution to your problem, you twat!"  
"Really? What is it?"  
There was a clearing of a throat from the side of Louis. Louis turned to see that it was only the extremely hot waiter.  
"Are you ready to order or do you need a few minutes?"  
Louis hadn't even looked at the menu, but Liam nodded so he said the first thing he saw.  
"I'll take a wild salmon with the ... uh rice and pineapple."  
Harry raised his eyebrow and chuckled at the pineapple bit. "Grilled or baked? For your salmon, that is."  
Louis didn't know which one was healthier, he was at least trying to slim down, so he chose grilled. After getting the other two's orders, he grabbed their menus and strolled away with a slight wink in Louis' direction.  
Louis was flabbergasted, but he shook it off because there was no way that hunk of delicious could actually find mutual interest within the fat lard himself. Besides, there was no harm in innocent flirting.   
"What were you saying before, Ni?" Louis asked, actually paying attention this time.   
"Oh yeah! Well, yer always complainin' 'bout how yer all lonely and t'at and so I was just-a thinkin' yeh should get yourself a roommate or summat!"   
"That's a great idea, Nialler!" Louis' eyes went wide. "There's a spare bedroom plus I could save more of my money for other stuff. I could hang, like, a sign outside the record store with those slips of paper with my number on it and it's gonna be so fun! Thank ya, Ni!" Louis was genuinely excited, but then he realized, as that hot waiter brought their food, that no one would want to room with a fat, disgusting pig.  
***  
That night he bought himself a scale and weighed himself for the first time:  
162.3 lbs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to post literally 2 days later cos I get so bored and I really get excited about writing and stuff  
> Plus poor Louis, I always abuse him in fics. He's my used and abused baby :') xx


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so ao3 keeps messing up my spacing so I'm sorry about that. I can't even fix it, ugh!

Ever since he weighed himself, Louis was feeling incredibly insecure. It's not like he wore tight clothing before, but now he noticed that even the loosest of his jumpers and tank tops hugged his tummy. Oh Lord, he had a huge gut. Plus, all of his jeans and even his joggers hugged his bum and thighs sickeningly. He found himself pinching the fat between his thighs absent-mindedly when he wasn't paying attention. For instance, he was watching Netflix late one night and he looked down to see his hands filled with the fat on his legs. It went without saying that he didn't have anymore popcorn that night.Louis tried to just cut down on his caloric intake, but that didn't work. He could barely drop it, and if so, it was only by a few calories here and there. Then he tried to choose healthier calories. Like, instead of buttered popcorn from the store he popped his own popcorn without butter and salt. HE swapped candy bars and potato crisps for berries and apples. But nothing fucking worked!He could still see the muffin top pouring over the waist of his jeans. He could still see the flab on his arms. He could still feel the weight on his thighs dragging him down with every step. He even tried exercising some. Nothing as over the top as Liam, who could always be found in the gym, but, in the privacy of his own home, he worked endlessly on crunches, lunges, squats, jumping jacks, etc. He bought five and ten pound weights to use on his arms, but even that didn't work. He couldn't figure out why. Liam had said that him being fat was because he didn't work out enough, but he tried and he only lost one pound that week. That wasn't nearly fast enough or as much as he'd have liked. He had plenty of pounds to spare. it was terribly unfair that NIall could eat whatever he liked and drink enough beer to satisfy three alcoholics and not put on any weight. Or, LIam who could eat anything and burn it all off later with endless hours in a gym. Louis would still gain even if he ate nothing but apples.Then it hit him.He wasn't as athletic as Liam, so he couldn't burn calories off. He didn't have a metabolism as fast as NIall's, so he couldn't keep fat off.But he was stubborn. Once his mind was made up, next to nothing could change it.He would just stop eating for a while. Just until he could stand to look at himself in the mirror again. *** Louis was in the middle, more towards the end really, of his shift at the record store. It was almost eleven at night, closing a little over an hour away. He had checked on the sigh he had put on the bulletin board a little while ago. A few slips had been taken, but he hadn't received any calls yet. Like anyone would really want to move in with him. It was the endof the day, and he was by himself in the store, and he was feeling down. He pulled out the little, pocket-sized journal he had been carrying around lately. He kept track of his weight and any time he slipped up and ate anything. The first thing he had done once he had made his decision was throw away everything that would be a temptation. He grabbed one of those huge trash bags that could fit a house in it and he filled it with boxes of Little Debbie's snacks, potato crisps, his candy stash, ice cream, cookies, brownies, any carbohydrate or fat-filled things. He had even trashed his mac and cheese. That, he felt a pang of loss for. But, if it helped him not look like such a pig, then he'd never have a bit of pasta again.After that ordeal, he'd taken the time, multiple times a day, to weigh himself and record it. He currently stood at 159.7, but he couldn't see any difference. There literally was no difference. He had this horrific tummy, more like a potbelly, that no amount of crunches could get rid of. He wished he could have an eight pack of abs, like LIam. Louis was startled out of his daydreaming when the bell tinged as someone opened the door. Louis looked up and believed in God for the first time. This could be none other than Jesus himself because he was so flawless. His face was so gorgeous, all sharp lines and beautiful curves. Louis could have used that jawline to cut cucumbers. Not only his face, but his body. Louis longed to be as perfect as him. He was beautifully thin, he had tattoos across his chest, too. This boy must be Jesus, Louis kept repeating to himself. There was no other way it was fair for someone to look like that. Louis was speechless. "'Ello, ma names Zen. 'Er ya ta one whooz lookin' for ta roommate?" God, apparently Zen, asked. It took Louis a minute to recover. "Um, yeah. My names Louis. Pleasure to meet you, Zen." "It's Zen." His eyebrows furrowed. "Isn't that what I just said?"Zen shook his head. "No, you said Zen. It's Zen." "Those are literally the exact same thing."Zen looked like he either wanted to facepalm or slap Louis. It was probably the latter. "No, it's Zen. Z-A-Y-N. Yer, like, not saying the A-Y.""Oh, so it's Zayyyyyn." Louis exaggerated. Zayn huffed. "Close enough."  
When Zayn stepped closer to lean against the counter, Louis shut his notebook casually and shoved it underneath fat, thunder thigh. Being near this God made Louis feel even worse about himself.  
"So, you came about the room?" Louis asked as Zayn placed his elbows on the glass counter.  
"Uh, yeah, like, I've been crashing at my mate's but, like, I don't want to mooch off him for, like, ever, ya know? So he mentioned this, like, teh meh this morning and I just, like, thought I'd come check it out."  
"Okay, well tell me a bit about yourself and then I'll tell you a bit about me. At least I think that's how it works."  
Zayn chuckled.***  
"So, I've just, like, got one more question for ya." Zayn said.  
"Shoot."  
"What's yer deal on, like, people at your flat? Like, who do you bring over? And, like, who can I bring over? And do ya have, like, parties or summat?"  
"Well, I don't bring over a lot of people or throw parties and all that. I do have dinner at the house on Thursdays with two of my guy friends, and you could join us if ya like. All I ask from you is that you let me know a bit ahead of time."  
"But, like, what about, ya know, sex?" Zayn genuinely looked awkward while at the same time looking goddamn cool. Totally unfair.  
Louis put his hands up. "I'm gay, so ya know, I don't mind you bringing back ladies but that won't be happening for me. Like, put a sock on the door so I don't walk in or something."  
Zayn looked like a mix of emotions but mostly constipated for a moment. "Er, like, I'm bi, so, like, I kinda bring back both, like, if it's alright?"  
"Oh, okay. Sorry I just assumed." Zayn waved it off. "But, go ahead, you do you, mate."  
"Sweet. So, like, I'll give ya my number and, like, you'll get back to me with, like, a contract or summat?" Louis agreed and they traded numbers with a promise for Louis to call soon.  
While Zayn was walking towards the door, it opened and in walked Liam.  
"Yo, Payno!" Louis waved him over.  
Zayn hurried out the door and when it shut, Louis sighed.  
"Damn, that lad was fit." Liam echoed his thoughts.  
Louis nodded. "He's like a yummy piece of sex caked." Liam guffawed. "No, seriously. His voice sounds like pure orgasms. Defo know what I'm wanking to tonight."  
Liam made fake gagging motions. "C'mon, mate, came to pick you up. It's closing time and we're gonna chill at your place for a bit, then I gotta get home to Ni."  
"The wife not letting ya off your leash for the entire night?" Louis teased as they exited the store, and he bolted it for the night.  
Liam waved it off. He rarely let anything get to him.  
It was practically true though. Liam and Niall were joined at the hip, practically inseperable. To be honest, Niall was like an unruly child who got everything he wanted from his daddy, aka Liam.  
That thought sent a lot of unwanted images through his head, and fuck, he definitely did not need those.  
Louis was just happy he now had a chill roommate. Maybe, hopefully, he liked weed. Louis forgot to ask him. If he didn't, he hoped the dude wouldn't mind his stash. But, damn, he wanted someone to smoke weed with him. Maybe they could even make some brownies. That'd be the life. Maybe they could hook up a few times, blame it on the weed. It made sense that Zayn was bi. God probably wasn't that picky.  
Louis and Liam played Fifa until it was like two in the morning, and Liam got hungry. Louis sent Liam to the kitchen, but he came out empty-handed.  
"What the hell happened to all your good stuff? Was Niall here earlier? Did he clean you out? Dammit, sorry Louis, we can't afford to buy you more food. I will talk to him though." He gestured with his hands while he spoke.  
"Are you quite finished?"  
Liam nodded.  
"I've just gotten rid of most of my junk food. That's all it was-junk. Don't blame Nialler. He hasn't been over in ages." He explained.  
"Oh."  
"Yeah." Things got a bit awkward, so Liam went back into the kitchen. When he came back, he was carrying a plate of ants on a log, peanut butter spread on celery topped with raisins. When he offered some to Louis, he decided it would be okay to eat since it was healthy.  
Later, it was around four in the morning when Liam left, Louis went to weight himself before going to bed. He was aghast with what it was.160.2  
He had fucking gained half a pound. He called himself a ridiculous amount of names for being so fat and stupid.  
He pinched the fat between his thighs, hard.  
He pinched the fat covering his midriff, hard.  
He pinched the fat squished on his arms, hard.  
He hated himself, so much.


	4. Ch 3

It only took a week for everything to be finalized and for Zayn to move in with Louis.

During that week, Louis lost two pounds. He was standing at a whopping 158.2. He was still eating, but it was all healthy, and it wasn't as much as he had been consuming beforehand. He found out that he actually had an affinity for asparagus and spinach as long as they were both heated up.

He had even stopped eating meat, eating fish and finding protein elsewhere.

When Louis had explained this to Liam and Niall, Liam had raised an eyebrow, but Niall hadn't given it an extra thought. He simply said "Good for you!" and that was that. It was one of the things Louis had always liked about Niall. He was such a carefree and happy dude.

It only took a few loads from Zayn's car, a fancy sports car of course, to move into the flat since Louis helped the guy out. He had provided Zayn with his own full bed, not really since the place came with it but it made him look nice, and Zayn had his own full bathroom.

Louis gave him a quick tour of the place; it didn't take long since it wasn't that big and then left him to unpacking. Louis sensed Zayn wasn't one to like it when people hovered unnecessarily.

Louis wasn't hungry by the time lunch came around, so he just continued watching Netflix.

He must have fallen asleep because he woke up and it was pitch black out side. His computer was still on, having been plugged into the charger. Netflix had stopped playing; that usually annoying pop up was still on, bookmarking probably only an episode or two ahead from where he fell asleep.

It was only just past midnight, but he couldn't fall back asleep. He was suddenly wide awake. It was disappointing, really. He liked to sleep because it made the time pass quicker, which meant he could generally go longer without eating anything.

He hopped out of bed and stripped to his boxers, having fallen asleep still in his day clothes. His stomach gurgled, but he ignored it. He liked the feeling of such emptiness that his stomach ground against nothing.

Louis started exercising. He had read online that exercising was a good way to distract yourself from eating. Plus, it burned calories.

He did jumping jacks. They worked every part of your body. He liked the way they made him short of breath.

He did crunches, first with his feet on the floor, then legs bent at a ninety degree angle, then with his legs straight in front of him. He liked the way they made his sides hurt.

He did lunges. They worked his thighs well. He liked the way they made it hard to stand.

He did calf raises. They worked those muscles amazingly. He liked the way they made his calves hurt for days.

It was half three when Luis stopped, exhausted. He showered, a cold one since it burned more calories, and fell into his bed again. He relaxed his breathing, pulling in through the nose and exhaling out through the mouth. His brain was too wired to sleep.

Eventually, probably about ten minutes later, he proved his brain wrong and fell asleep.

***

"Hey, bro?" Zayn fucking glided down onto the couch beside Louis' feet, all thin bones and endless grace.

"What's up?"

"Is it cool with ya if I, like, have a mate over today? It's the one that, like, told me yer 'er lookin' for a flat mate."

Louis nodded. "Sure, my place is your place. Thanks for letting me know though."

Zayn nodded and pulled out his phone, pressing it to his ear, as he left the room. All Louis could hear was "Yeah, Haz, come on over." before Zayn was out of earshot.

Louis went back to his laptop. He had just finished checking up on his football scores when Zayn walked in, so he went to his other projects.

His weight loss projects.

He had accounts on social media that were just for that purpose.

No, he wasn't looking up thinspo or eating disorder / depression quotes like some desperate teenage girl. He looked up low caloric foods and exercises that burned the most calories. He wasn't some try-hard, angst-filled, fake, fifteen year old drama queen.

He was just on a diet, like a lot of adults were these days.

It was perfectly natural.

At least that's what he told himself.

Louis' stomach growled. It was such a funny feeling, if Louis was honest. He liked it. A lot.

But, Louis had come to know his body quite well over the past few weeks. He knew he had to distract himself, or soon he would go and binge on something. He had still been keeping up with only health foods, and Zayn hadn't questioned it. Zayn seemed to like them.

Maybe that's why he was so thin, Louis pondered to himself.

At that moment, Zayn opened the front door, adjacent to the living room Louis was currently sitting, and in walked the apparent "Haz."

It was the waiter from dinner a few weeks ago. The one that had been flirting with him. The one that Louis had flirted back with.

Zayn led him through the living room and pointed to Louis. "This is Louis, he's, like, pretty chill."

The waiter boy turned his eyes on Louis and a flash of recognition ghosted through his eyes.

Louis stuck his hand out. "Nice to see you again ...?" He trailed off.

"Harry." Harry informed him as he took his outstretched hand.

"Pleasure."

"The pleasure is all mine, love." Harry said cheekily.

"So you two know each other then?" Zayn asked.

"We hadn't been officially introduced." Harry told him.

"Harry here, served me and a couple of mates back a couple of weeks ago." Louis paused. "And he is definitely welcome over any time."

Harry chuckled while Zayn mumbled a "whatever" and pulled Harry off to his room, shutting the door.

Maybe Zayn and Harry were friends with benefits or something? Louis wondered. He hoped not. Harry is one of the fittest blokes he's ever seen, but he didn't want things to get awkward with Zayn.

Maybe they could do a three-way. That'd be so hot.

Louis went off into la-la-land, but he was snapped out of it by the sound of sweet giggles coming from the kitchen.

Sweet mercy, he didn't remember getting high.

Louis reveled in it, basking in the resonating sound.

Zayn and Harry entered the room, and not to Louis praying for more giggles, no way, not at all, but they carried with them the smell of fresh air-popped popcorn.

"Ya mind if weh, like, watch a day-vay-day or summat?" Zayn asked him, bending down near the television stand to look at what films Louis owned.

"Sure."

Harry was leaning against the door frame, his slim and lengthy legs crossed at the ankle, the bucket of popcorn in his hands. It was a model pose.

That was when Louis got a first look at his shoes. His eyes should've at once went to them, but Louis had been too distracted looking at other parts of the lad's body.

While Harry was wearing a normal black t-shirt and black skinny jeans, his feet were wrapped in gold, sparkly, dazzling boots. It was so 'out there' and Louis was amazed.

Louis would never even dream of wearing boots like those. First of all, they would never ever look good on him. His figure was too short, and they would only emphasize the fat his calves were drowning in.

Second, who even was Harry? This fit, flirty lad who wore glittery boots couldn't possibly be real, could he?

Zayn popped "50 Shades of Grey" into the player.

Frankly, Louis hated his choice. He didn't get the intrigue of it. It had been a birthday gift last year from his sister, Lottie, as a joke. It hadn't been opened yet, as it was basically porn of the worst kind, heterosexual and not showing anything.

Plus, Louis didn't want to see a rich bastard beat a girl, like beating a girl just because she looked like his crackwhore of a mother.

That was fucked up.

Zayn took the popcorn from Harry sat on the opposite side of the couch from Louis, who was leaning his back against the arm rest and was facing sideways. Harry didn't seem to feel awkward about being stuck in the middle. If anything, he looked too comfortable with it.

Louis had just gone to bend his legs from their straight position so there would be room for Harry, but Harry had stopped him. Harry lifted them up and slipped underneath before putting them gently down on his lap and leaving them there.

Louis felt entirely too self conscious. His humongous, heavy feet were resting in someone else's lap. Someone else was not only seeing but feeling his fat.

Harry just rested his hands against Louis' ankles, his sweatpants having slipped up and exposed the small sliver of skin over his bare feet. He rubbed what were probably meant to be soothing circles into them, but they just made Louis feel sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, it's short but it always feels like more when I'm writing it!!  
> But yeah I'm exhausted but I'm about to go burn 1200 calories and it sucks so toodles!!


	5. The One In Which Louis Needs A Shag

Harry was cool, Louis decided.

Even if he was a little too touch-feely with him sometimes.

Harry had been coming around a lot, him being Zayn's best friend and all, but Louis kind of hoped it was at least a little bit about him.

Then, his brain started actually working, and that hope was squashed.

Who would even want to see you? You're fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. God, you're so fat. Why can't you just stop eating, pig?

Sometimes, his brain wouldn't stop incessantly badgering until Louis ventured into the bathroom and puked up whatever he had last eaten. Only then did the voice ever come close to giving him praise.

Finally, you're doing something right. Do it again. Again. You're actually helping yourself and everyone around you by not making them succumb to being around your horrible, fat self.

Sometimes, Louis would just get so hungry. He'd get so hungry that it hurt. But, every time he so much as thought of the saltiness of a crisp or sweet goodness of a cookie, his brain would shout at him, giving him a headache. Louis wasn't crazy. He really wasn't. He wasn't just hearing voices like a crazy person. He only talked to himself a bit. It was totally normal. At least, that's what he told himself.

He still didn't feel like he had lost weight. He felt thick and full, all the time. Literally, he was tempted to stick a photo of a hippo on the wall since that's what he looked like. He fucking hated it. He needed to do better. If only he were thinner, then he could do better. Louis just wasn't trying hard enough. That's the only reason he wasn't losing any more weight. So, to balance out the overeating of calories, a full twelve hundred, he had been doing lately, he fasted. Just so he could get the empty feeling, of course. He started fasting the day after his 'family' dinner, so he wouldn't have to explain anything to Liam and Niall. He didn't think he was ready for that, just yet. He didn't want Liam to keep an eye on him.

It's not that he was doing anything wrong though.

It was just a diet.

At first, it was pretty hard to find things to do other than eating. He didn't realize that he spent so much time eating until he stopped.

Louis occupied himself mainly by sleeping and working. He worked his exhausting, twelve hour shifts at the record store and then he came home and slept for most of the time. Sometimes, when he was awake, Zayn, and even Harry once, knocked on his open door to offer him some food. Zayn seemed to be a big fan of Chinese, probably the munchies, and Louis spent hours wondering how he stayed so thin, all angular bones and prominent points. It truly troubled him. If he ate even one bite of that delicious yet disgustingly fat filled goodness, he'd explode like a whale.

***

Louis broke four days in. He completely forgot he was fasting, and he had snacked on some grapes. Once he realized what he was doing, he almost burst into tears. He would have, if he and Zayn hadn't been playing Fifa together at the time. Louis had immediately set down the grapes; he had eaten three, and waited for them to finish their game, knuckles white on the controller.

He lost, of course since he was so distracted, and Zayn shot him a confused look when he ran to his room to take a shower.

Once the shower was on, and Louis had stripped and weighed himself, only losing three pounds how pathetic, he got under the cold water.

The water shocked his system, making it too cold for him to cry, which he guessed was a good thing.

A part of him started to feel lazy, telling himself whatever, he already broke his fast, might as well just eat everything in sight. But, then there was this other part that kept berating him, telling him that he needed to do better. Lock all the food up and throw away the key, if need be. He listened to the latter.

***

On the seventh day, Louis was supposed to have dinner with Liam and Niall.

The hunger pains were terrible that morning. He had woken up to what felt like his stomach tearing apart, so he conceded and allowed himself to eat with the boys.

Also, this time, instead of going out, Niall and Liam were hosting at their own place. Liam had called that morning to tell him, and he had acted abnormally weird.

"So, Lou, we're having dinner at our place today, right?"

Louis nodded even though Liam couldn't see him. "Anything you want me to bring?" Louis asked, just to be polite.

That's when Liam had started acting weird. He muttered something incomprehensible, and Louis could feel the tension brewing over the phone. Was Liam trying to ask him for condoms or summat? If he was, that was stupid. Liam was over eighteen, he could easily buy them for himself. Maybe he was asking where? That would be stupid, too. They have the internet for a reason.

"Mate, you're gonna have to speak up if you want me to here you."

Liam made a tiny moaning sound, and it wasn't the good kind, and eww, why was Louis even thinking like that about one of his best mates? Damn, he needed a shag.

"I said, err, maybe you might want to, um, bring your roommate, along with you, you know?" Liam rushed to explain, like he could actually see the quirk in Louis' eyebrow and the smirk on his lips. "Just to be polite, and, like, if he doesn't have any other plans or whatever."

"I got you, Li." Another thought occurred to him. "What about Niall? How does he feel about this?"

"What do you mean?"

"How does Niall feel about your crush on my roommate?" Liam made a sound that was akin to a squaw that was positively, absolutely hilarious. There was no way Louis wasn't laughing at it. But Liam sounded very indignant when he answered, and he didn't comment on Louis' specific word choice.

"Niall is very excited to meet Zayn."

The conversation ended when Zayn abruptly came home from wherever he had been, and Liam had asked who Louis said hello to.

"Zayn!" Louis called out.

"What's up, bebz?" Zayn came back in from where he had been heading off to his room.

"Do you, err, maybe want to come to dinner with me and a couple of mates tonight?"

Zayn thought about it. "I mean, like, Harry was gonna come over tonight-"

"He can totally come, too!" Louis rushed to say and feeling quite embarrassed with how quick he was to invite Harry.

Zayn chuckled. "Like, lemme just check with him and, like, see if it's alright."

"Mm-kay." Louis had a giddy smile on his face. He hoped Harry could make it. Harry made him smile.

***

Louis was a nervous wreck.

He and Zayn were on their way to pick up Harry before heading up to Niall's and Liam's. He didn't even know why, it's not like he and Harry were going on a date. They were going to share a meal with some mates. It was as simple as that.

Louis pulled up to the address that had given him. Zayn had been texting Harry almost nonstop, so Harry was waiting for them on his front lawn. From what Louis saw of it, he had a small place, but it looked cute. The top of Louis' convertible was down, so Harry just hopped over the side of the car and plopped down in the seat, which left Louis flabbergasted.

Zayn chuckled. "Smooth move, Hazza."

Harry stuck his tongue out just like the adult he was.

It wasn't too long of a drive to Liam's, Harry's place was only about ten minutes out of their way. Louis pulled into a parking space, he and Zayn getting out through the doors like normal people, but Harry insisted on jumping out. He said something about "living life on the wild side". Frankly, Louis thought he was just like SpongeBob. All innocent and sweet, but Harry was definitely a lot hotter. Like, Louis didn't want to fuck SpongeBob, but he'd fuck Harry pert little arse any day. Or be fucked. Louis wasn't picky.

While conversation had certainly been lacking in the car, causing Louis to turn on the radio, he could hear Zayn and Harry's whispering as he lead the way to Liam's and Niall's up the stairs. Harry and Zayn were on the same step, and being two steps ahead of them, Louis felt considerably left out. It's not like he was jealous of them, but he and Zayn had been living together for a month now.

Plus, he was the one who invited him and even went out of his way to pick up Harry. The least they could do was include him.

They made it up to the door, and Louis couldn't have been happier. He had felt incredibly akin to a third wheel, which was silly since Harry and Zayn weren't even dating. But, that was a welcome image in his head. The two were sexy, no doubt about it. Damn, he needed to get laid. Soon.

Louis barged right in, not caring to knock. The two followed him in. Niall, the blonde cheeky lad himself, came out of the kitchen to greet them.

"Lou!" He gave Louis a quick hug before pulling back and keeping a hand on the small of Louis' back. "Who are these beautiful men?"

Harry smiled at that, poking his tongue out a little at the side, while Zayn ducked his head in what Louis assumed to be embarrassment.

Louis usually didn't see it when Zayn blushed, if he ever had before, since his skin tone was so beautifully deep and dark, but he could see a light dusting of pink bloom across the top of Zayn's cheek bones.

"This is Harry, and this is Zayn, my roommate." Louis gestured to each in turn.

"Ah, the infamous roomie. I've heard so much about you." Niall cackled, sending a wink Zayn's way.

Zayn choked on his spit a little, Harry pounding his back while Louis tried to hold in his laughter. Niall certainly was flirting, yet he still had no shame.

Louis caught Harry's eyes and could see his own mirth reflected back in the deep green pools.

Liam came in then, wearing pink oven mitts, Louis had gotten for him for Christmas years ago, and carrying a pan. He stopped and observed the scene. "What'd Niall do?" He deadpanned.

Harry and Louis busted up laughing, unable to hold it in, while Zayn's blush deepened as well as Niall's smirk. "You didn't tell me just how fit Louis' roommate is." Niall accused Liam, still looking all smug and shit.

That sent Louis and Harry into another fit of giggles, and Liam started to have a blush almost as bright as Zayn's.

"B-But, wait, what, I..." Liam sputtered. Not knowing what to say, and feeling more uncomfortable by the second, he walked into the small dining room and set the pan before going straight back in to the kitchen, presumably to get more food which left Louis and Harry giggling every time they caught each other's eye, Zayn picking at the bottom of his shirt whilst looking at Niall, who was staring at him. Every time they made eye contact, Zayn's eyes would dart away and Niall's smug look would get just that much smugger.

They were all standing awkwardly around the living room. "So, let's move to the table, shall we?" Louis clapped his hands together and grabbed Niall's arm, practically dragging him into the other room. He felt it was his duty to protect his very cool, and now abashed, roommate from the Irish lad's antics. Harry and Zayn followed behind.

Louis pulled out a chair for Niall, ever the gentleman, and then moved to the other side of the table, opting to let Liam sit next to the cheeky chap. Zayn, however, didn't get the memo and sat next to him, and Harry sat next to Louis.

"So, Harry." Niall turned to him.

"So, Niall." Harry retorted, which made the Irish little shit smile a bit.

"Well at least one of ya has got some backbone." Niall rubbed Zayn's back in a surprisingly gentle manner. Harry just sent a matching smirk back in reply.

Liam came back in, having ditched the pink oven mitts, and carrying two bowls. "Well boys, we've got salad, chicken Marsala, and a side of homemade mash."

The aromas of the well-cooked foods were making Louis practically high. His stomach growled, loudly, in anticipation and everyone heard and laughed. "Well, I think my stomach is trying to say that it looks amazing, Li."

Liam beamed.

Louis turned to Zayn and Harry. "If Liam weren't such a great cook, little Niall here would probably starve. Can't cook for shit, this one."

"'Ay, who're you calling little, shorty?" Niall teased right back. He didn’t even bother commenting about the cooking comment. Niall, and everyone else who had met Niall before he moved in with Liam, knew that he was terrible at cooking, yet great at eating.

Liam passed the salad bowl to Louis, after taking a seat on Niall's other side, before admonishing them. "Alright, boys, no taunting each other at the dinner table."

"Yes, mum." That was Louis, of course.

They all were silent for a moment as they got their food. Being mindful of how thick his thighs still were, even after losing ten pounds with his fast, Louis didn't take as much as he would've liked, even though he was, literally, starving. He took little bites, practically minuscule. He saw that Harry almost had twice as much food on his plate than Louis had on his. Louis wished he could eat as much as Harry and still look that good.

It was silent except for the sound of the scrape of utensils against their plates.

Of course, Niall had to be the one to break it. "So, Zayn, are you gay?"

Zayn, who had been taking a sip of water, choked again.

Liam smacked Niall's arm. "Niall, you can't just ask someone if they're gay. It's rude and you should let them bring it up themselves if they want to talk about it. C'mon, Ni, we've talked about this."

Niall obviously didn't see why it was rude, if the look on his face was anything to go by. He thought that being gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. wasn't something you should be ashamed of and should embrace it as much as he himself had. Really, who cares if he likes a cock up his arse? What could anyone even do about it, if they didn't like it?

"It's just manners, you twat." Liam swatted him again.

"Oi! Quit it!"

Having recovered, Zayn finally spoke up. "I'm, like, bi, actually." His voice was all rough, and Louis had to admit that the slow drawl of Zayn's voice could probably cure cancer or summat. Funny how he didn't talk like that all the time.

Dinner passed by rather quickly with only a few more flirtatious remarks from Niall, some talk about the currents in football, and even Harry and Zayn seemed to get into it more.

Once it was over, Louis helped Liam clear the plates and bring them into the kitchen. Once they were alone in the kitchen, and had put down their dishes, Liam turned to him. Liam leaned back against the counter, arms crossed over. "You barely ate anything at dinner, Lou."

Dammit. Louis had thought no one noticed. He needed to be more careful. Stupid, stupid Louis.

He came up with an excuse, albeit not the most original. "Yeah, sorry, just haven't been feeling that well, mates."

And really, Louis felt like utter crap lying to Liam, but Liam was already starting to clue into Louis' diet. And why even was that wrong? Like, people go on diets all the time. Hell, Liam has gone on them loads, except for those were to get more muscle and less body fat, but still. Louis didn't know the exact reason, but it was just embarrassing. Like he's some teenage girl going on a diet when their bodies are perfect already. Louis knew what a healthy, good body looked like, and his was most definitely not it. That's why he was lying. Pure embarrassment.

Liam's look immediately softened. "Oh, Lou, you should've told me. I would've made something lighter."

Louis put a hand on his shoulder. "Li, it's fine. Just haven't been feeling all that peachy lately. Dinner was wonderful."

They joined the other lads in the living room, and they brought along a tub of ice cream, four bowls, and four spoons. Only four because Liam had bought his excuse about feeling a little sick, which he was actually starting to feel a little sick because Liam was just so trusting of him, and hadn't pressure him about eating any ice cream.

Louis curled up on the arm of the sofa, which, happily, was next to Harry. And well, it didn't seem as if he minded one bit.

Liam scooped gigantic bowls of ice cream. It really did look delicious. It was chocolate with moose tracks. Louis’ mouth watered.

While Liam was putting away the tub, Niall put on a film that Louis had already seen, but it was good, so he didn't mine.

About ten minutes in, he was disrupted by something leaning against his legs. Harry had leaned over and put one arm against Louis' legs. When Louis turned, their eyes met. Everyone else was watching the movie.

Harry was facing him, holding out a spoon full of devilish, satanic, sinful, creamy deliciousness towards him. Harry looked so hopeful, all big, glassy eyes and little pout on his lips.

Harry moved the spoon, the same spoon he had been licking, to Louis' mouth.

Louis ate it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's awfully late and not very long. I had most of the chapter done about a week after I posted the last one, but I got stuck a bit near the end. But yeah, hope you all enjoyed and I'll hopefully post again soon!  
> Also, if you're going through anything or need anyone to talk to at some point, message me on here or at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/bumsandbruises  
> XOXO


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soz it's been a while loves. I hope to be updating more often now. xx

_No, no, no. Why did you do that, you pig? You’re so fat already, you didn’t need it. You’re controlled by your body, and I don’t even have to fucking tell you how that feels, idiot._

  
Louis was inconsolable. He couldn’t believe he ate the ice cream Harry gave him. When he had gotten home, he had ran to the bathroom, calling to Zayn over his shoulder and explaining how he needed a shower. As soon as he had made sure the door was locked and the water was heating up, Louis retched in the toilet before standing under the steaming stream of water.

  
His thoughts got to be too much; everything got to be too much for him. Louis sunk down to his knees, and he stayed like that until his knees were too sore and properly bruised before shifting to sit properly, letting the water cascade down his chest and face.

  
He couldn’t even cry. He was just so disappointed in himself. But it was for Harry, part of him tried to excuse his failure. He wouldn’t have had the ice cream if it weren’t forHarry, that was a fact. Cute, adorable, too-fucking-pretty, Harry who was trying to make Louis even fatter than he already was.

  
Once the water got cold, Louis got out of the shower. He toweled himself off before stepping onto his scale. He had gained .2 pounds.

  
Louis had to stop himself from lashing out and breaking something, anything, or punching a wall. It felt like all of his work was spiraling down the drain.

  
It wasn’t fair. All he wanted was to be thin. He was sick and tired of feeling so thick and gross. He could, quite literally, grab handfuls of fat across his stomach and his thighs and his calves and his everywhere.

  
Everything went downhill, or some would even say uphill, from there.

  
Harry started coming over more often, and not just for Zayn. He would come over, practically bouncing with happiness, all gorgeous smiles and bouncy curls, holding his arms out, saying “Lou!” with as much affection as anyone ever had said his name before.

  
Louis couldn’t get enough of it.

  
He started to do things, small albeit, to get Harry to notice him. Harry, not only being a server at a restaurant, no, he had to be a baker as well. He’d bring over pastries or pasta dishes he had made, and he would practically force feed Louis.

  
But that’s only what Louis told himself. In reality, he would’ve done anything to get the same look on Harry’s face that came upon it whenever Louis would complement his skills. It really was good, but Louis was starting to gain weight and gain it back fast. All of the fattening carbohydrates that he had been being fed were definitely catching back up with him. HE was literally gaining back all the pounds he had lost, just trying to make Harry happy.

  
_Harry won’t be happy if you turn back into a whale on him, will he? C’mon you know this, do I have to beat it in you? You are fat. You let this happen to you. No matter what anyone else says, this is your fault. It’s your fault your thunder thighs touch. It’ s your fault your stomach rolls over the tops of your jeans. It’s your fault all your t-shirts cling to your arms. It’s your fault you have a double chin. It’s all your fault._

  
At least, that’s what he told himself.

  
It was another one of those days. The ones where Louis has no desire or will to get out of bed. He doesn’t want to get up, shower, eat, wee, go to work, nothing. All he wants to do is pull the covers over his head and go back to sleep. But, it does get hot under there, way too quickly. If only that incessant sunshine would stop shining blindingly and those useless curtains would shut themselves.

  
Louis burrowed himself into his pillow when a knock sounded against his door.

  
“Mmmhf.” He mumbled incoherently.

  
The door cracked open, and Harry stuck his head in. “Lou? Zee let me in. Said you hadn't been out all day.”

  
“Mmhmm.” His face was still pressed into the pillow, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling just a bit as soon as he heard Harry’s voice. It was truly unfair, the effect just Harry’s voice had on him.

  
“Why are you still in bed, Boo? It’s almost noon.” Harry started walking in, sitting at the edge of Louis’ bed.

  
“Nnghnf.”

  
“What?” An exasperated but adoring smile spread onto Harry’s face. Louis could practically hear it in his voice. “Can’t understand you, sleepyhead.”

Louis turned his face from pressing against his pillow, which really didn’t smell all that great. Not nearly as good as the boy sitting within arm’s length of him.

  
“Don’t wanna get up.” He curled in tighter on himself.

  
Harry cooed at the adorable boy who’d probably be the death of him if he continued to be that cute. “Well then, we can just watch movies and cuddle all day. Where’s your laptop?” He asked since Louis didn’t have a television in his room.

  
Louis nodded towards his desk with his chin, and Harry got up to get it.

  
As soon as he reached the bed, laptop in hand, he toed off his shoes one at a time, and crawled on with Louis, the bed sinking down whenever he moved, setting the laptop down on Louis’ hip, as he was laying down on his side.

  
“C’mon, Boo, put in the password and then we can do nothing but watch TV, okay?” He said soothingly.

  
Louis lethargically sat up, leaning most of his weight against his elbows for a moment. That was even too much work for him at the moment. It felt like all the blood had rushed to his head, and he also felt like throwing up along with passing out. It wasn’t exactly the best feeling. The best feeling was probably something like running his fingers through Harry’s curls. Those curls were meant to have fingers brushing through them. Maybe Harry would let Louis play with his hair later. Yes, Louis would like that a lot.

  
Louis moved the laptop onto his lap, aha Harry would probably be proud of that pun Louis laughed to himself. He would’ve shared that ridiculous thought if he were in a better mood. He put in the password, which was definitely too hard to do at that moment, and collapsed back against the bed, exhausted and panting.

  
“Aww, Boo, c’mere.” He put an arm around on Lou’s shoulders and pulled him in close. Louis felt uncomfortable because Harry could probably feel all his fat, but he couldn’t be half-arsed to bother to do anything about it for that moment.

  
Harry put on a show that Louis didn’t care about, probably something about being fucking happy and shit, but really, Louis didn’t give a shit. He was actually starting to get annoyed with Harry, but he immediately regretted that thought. How could he be annoyed with someone who was doing his best to make him happy? Louis was just sinking further into his reclusion.

  
Eventually, Louis started to drift off to sleep. The combination of Harry’s warmth pressed against him, the softness of the bed against his body, and the darkness in the room, only light coming from the computer as Harry had shut the curtains as soon as Louis started squinting his eye, were making him even more tired. Damn, he hated bad days.  
The last thing he remembered before drifting off to sleep was the ghost, the slightest breath, of lips brushing lightly across his forehead.

  
***

  
Louis woke up feeling fuzzy and out of it. He was still curled up against Harry, he noticed happily. He had no idea how long he had been asleep. Harry was on his laptop, still watching whatever crap it was. Louis wasn’t bothered by that at all.

  
When he nuzzled into Harry’s chest, Harry turned into him, eyes lighting up and dazzling. “Lou! You’re awake!” He sounded genuinely happy. But when Louis slightly winced at the loud sound, Harry lowered his voice immensely. “Did you just wake up?”

  
Louis nodded his head, still pressed against Harry’s side and not having any plan of moving. Like, ever. “Sorry for being a twat, earlier.”

  
Harry pouted and shook his head, looking like the very frog he was. “Nonsense. It was nothing, Boo.”

  
Louis loved how Harry always used that specific term of endearment. It made him feel warm and tingly, not anything like how embarrassing it was when his mum called him “Boo Bear”.

  
“I was still mean, love. ‘M sorry.” He said in a small voice with his head tucked down.

  
“Apology accepted. You wanna tell me why you were so upset though?” Harry asked.

  
Louis hesitated. “I-I just, like, um, sometimes I uh-uh,” He stuttered quickly, trying to find the right words to say. He hasn’t opened up to many people as of late. He didn’t want people to think he was weirder and crazier than he really was. And he didn’t have enough time to come up with a creative but believable lie. There he always was, a lover of the theatrics.

  
“Take your time. And remember you don’t have to, okay? It’s only if you want to tell me.” Harry told him softly, rubbing his hand up and down Louis’ arm.

  
Louis found a focal point, somewhere to look at that wasn’t Harry, and took a deep breath. “Like, sometimes I get really bad days. And I just, I don’t want to get up, and I feel like shite, and everything seems really awful. I’ll, like just, stay in bed or something and won’t do anything. Liam, you met him, used to try to get me out and about with him on those days, and I was just the biggest arse to him, and like, I really hope I wasn’t like that to you.” The last sentence just popped out, he wasn’t even thinking properly and it had slipped.

  
Louis’ eyes got wide as he turned to Harry to get his reaction.

  
Harry looked pondering, like he was actually thinking about what Louis had said, but he didn’t look upset. Louis took that as a small victory.

  
Harry took his hand, Louis’ small, baby hand being engulfed by Harry’s absolutely enormous one that were probably the fantasy of every gay man on the planet, including Louis himself but it’s not like anyone could tell or anything. Harry’s thumb rubbed circles on the fleshy part of Louis’ hand between his thumb and forefinger.

  
“It’s fine, Lou, okay? I wouldn’t say it was if it wasn’t. I really do understand.” Harry looked so earnest, like he really wanted Louis to know it was okay, it was fine, that he shouldn’t take it to heart.

  
Louis’ stomach was rolling, and his heart was fluttering, and Harry was still holding his hand. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to jump for joy or go throw up in a bin.

  
“Okay.” Louis mumbled out. He hadn’t even noticed before that Harry had paused the show, but now the silence was deafening. The atmosphere in the room felt supercharged. It was tense, but in a wonderful, excruciating way. It was ironic how he wanted to kiss Harry and push him away at the same time. No one had ever gotten so close to him emotionally as quickly as Harry had. It had only been a matter of weeks, a few months. Hell, Harry was probably shagging Zayn and shit. Louis could never be as strikingly good looking as Zayn was.

  
The moment was still there; all the thoughts in Louis’ head only flashing through for a matter of milliseconds, not long enough to ponder. Harry and Louis’ eyes connected. Green met blue, and Harry leaned in. As soon as Harry started forward slowly, Louis subconsciously did as well. His breath caught when he felt the first whisper of Harry’s breath against his lips. He almost stopped breathing when their lips gently brushed, His heart started palpitating when the kiss became more firm, their lips no longer light but pressing. Pressing against each other like the sun was trying to meet the moon. Opposites trying to attract; happy meeting sad; light meeting dark; hope meeting desolation; Harry meeting Louis.

  
And, literally, there were no explosions, no fireworks. It didn’t feel like it lasted for days. It wasn’t the kind of kiss you dreamt about when you were young.   
It was real.

  
But, figuratively, it was as if the world stopped turning on its axis; time had stopped. The sun exploded, creating a kaleidoscope of colors and beauty. It was but a dream.

  
It was a drug. Louis couldn’t get enough of Harry. Harry, who was everywhere, who was in his senses, in his thoughts. Harry, who had Louis’ heart in his hands. Well, pieces of it. That’s more than Louis could afford to give.

  
Breathing started to get heavy and hot, both of them panting. The breath they shared was all they needed in that moment. Just Louis, Harry, and the room. Nothing had ever felt so right.

So that's when it all had to go wrong.

As soon as Harry had put his hand on Louis' side, close to his bulging stomach, albeit tentatively, Louis seized up. Their moment was ruined, and Louis pulled back.

 

Immediately missing the warmth of Harry's lips, he burrowed his face into Harry's shoulder, pressing not only his lips onto warm skin but every place that could reach.

 

"Lou? Louis? Are you okay? Was that okay, Boo?" Harry shifted, so he had moved downward so he could be face to face with Louis. "Louis, c'mon, you gotta tell me. I won't do it again or anything, just please look at me."

 

Was he really so bad of a kisser that Harry wouldn't even want to kiss him again? Probably.

 

Louis, having had Harry move so they were only barely touching, turned to smash his face into the sheets. He started crying. Why was he like this? Why couldn't he do anything right? Why did he have to be such a fuck up? This just wasn't fair. He was trying. He was trying, okay?

 

Then the sobs started to come. They racked through his body and he felt each one down to his core. Not only was it embarrassing to cry in front of the person he liked, but now he was sobbing like a baby.

 

When he felt Harry's warm arms wrap around, he had to feel all of Louis' fat then, he started crying harder, turning his face into Harry's chest. Then he started mumbling the same mantra over and over again.

 

"'M sorry, 'm sorry, I didn't mean to, 'm sorry."

 

Harry just rocked him back and forth, hushing him. "It's okay, Lou, it's all gonna be okay."


End file.
